Relationship Danger Signs and What To Do About It

Hi Everyone!  First, I want to wish everyone a "Happy Holiday".  And second, I want to help you avoid the pitfalls of relationship disaster.  It's no secret, the stress of the holidays can damage your marriage.  Instead of enjoying each other and your family, you find yourselves having more arguments and feeling overwhelmed due to expectations.

Here are some of the danger signs to watch out for under the stress of needing to do and spend money on all that is expected of you for this time of year.

• Becoming irritable with everyone and everything

• Avoiding your partner

• Yelling at one another over small incidents

• Becoming defensive - And not listening with your 'third' ear

• Feeling sad or depressed

• Drinking more than usual

What You Can Do About It

5 Love Languages

Remember a time when you felt 'really loved'.  What was happening at that moment? Who was there for you?  What did they say to you or do for you that ignited your love feeling?

         

Now remember when you first met your partner.  How did they make you feel ... loved?  What did they do or say to you that made you feel safe, important, and cared for?

Now think about your partner.  When was the last time you think you made them feel loved?  What did you say or do for them?

When we find our partner's love language we then know exactly how to connect or re-connect with them and help them feel loved.

5 Ways people may feel loved: 

• Words of Affirmation 
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Quality Time Spent Together
• Physical Touch  

One or more items above may be your partner's love language.  Your mission is to uncover what it is that makes them feel loved.  One key note is, often your partner may not really know this themselves.  However, don’t give up…together enjoy the journey! 

Check in with me and let me know how you made out.

“The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” is a book by Gary Chapman.

Another Shade of Gray: Gray Divorces

This ‘shade of gray’ isn’t very inspiring! A recent study announced that “Older adults (aged 50 and over), unlike the U .S. population as a whole, have faced rising divorce rates over the past 20 years.” In fact, the study suggested that rates were doubling over the decades. In 1990 fewer than 10% of those aged 50 & older got divorced; today 25% of those in this age group get divorced. This is a very significant issue because more than half the married population is now over 50.

The divorce rate is a matter that I have written about before in my Update. Why such a focus? Because I believe that with knowledge and tools, people can make conscious decisions about their marriages rather than waking up one day and saying “I have had enough!”. Maintaining intimacy and friendship in marriage over time IS possible – if you know how to work it.  

If you are in a struggling relationship and are in the Gray group (even though you may not look it), you may be wondering whether you should start focusing and preparing for the financial and emotional impact of separation and divorce. As complicated as family break up is when there are young children and teens in the home, divorce is still quite complicated as you get older. There will now be less time left for you to financially and emotionally recover and you may even be less flexible and able to do so. 

Unfortunately, re-marriage divorce rates are 2.5 times higher than those of first marriages. Not because there isn’t enough love between people but because life is more complicated even with grown children. Adding grandchildren, financial planning, and other challenges into a brand new relationship wears away at the fragile bond of new love. 

10 Steps to 'Loving for a Lifetime'

Love is a word that describes a complex human emotion. In my work, I hear time and time again, “I’m just not sure I am in love with him/her anymore”.  What does it mean when someone expreses his or her uncertainty?

I believe love is multi-dimensional, and very confusing. Everyday in my work I help people sort out what they mean when they say they love someone. Love is not just one experience. Love includes excitement and passion and love includes enjoyment and comfort. Love is about connection. Love is about commitment.

Romantic love, which is a special combination of physical attraction, powerful brain chemistry and emotional connection, is not all there is to love but when you fall in love, it is forever. This is where it gets confusing. How often have you heard that romantic love, also called passionate love, doesn’t last? However, the memory of falling in love is saved in your emotional brain’s memory bank. The memories you created as a couple are also there.

For me, the question isn’t whether love does or doesn’t last a lifetime.  The question is how do you preserve, protect, and keep romantic love alive for a lifetime. It is possible.