Spring is in the Air - Could You be Allergic to your Partner?

This time of year allergies are affecting most people in some way.  Some of us suffer from allergies to pollen, mold spores and other substances, which can really get us down. I bet you are wondering what allergies have to do with love. Did you know that you could have an emotional allergy the same way you have a physical allergy? Emotional allergies negatively affect us the same way physical allergies effect us, and emotional allergies can be just as debilitating. Just like a physical allergy, an emotional allergy is a hyper-sensitivity. But, the emotional allergy is something that ‘happened to us’ in the past; usually something traumatic. It can be a trauma with a little ‘t’ or a big  ‘T’.

The Trouble with a First Kiss

At the Relationship Center we work with many couples who are trying to work through the betrayal of infidelity. Not only does the betrayed partner wonder 'how could you cross the line';  so does the partner who was unfaithful wonder 'how did it spin so out of control?'  I don't think that most people know the risks of flirting and of the innocent 'kiss'. Both of these YouTube videos should help everyone understand the risk you might be taking with that seemingly innocent 'first kiss'. 

First Kiss (with models)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpbDHxCV29A 

First Kiss (remake without models)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLKmr_aI5rg

No More BUTS: Love The One You're With

by Mary Jo DiLonardo for Upwave.com

So... you've been fantasizing about trading in your partner for a newer model, hmm? Dreaming about what it would be like to be with someone else? Well, you might want to knock it off. That "grass is always greener" attitude could spell doom for your relationship in the long run.

According to the Early Years of Marriage Project, a landmark study that has followed the same couples for 20-plus years, the happiest couples are those who focus on what they like about their current relationship. "Focusing on what's going well -- rather than looking elsewhere for something that might be better -- strengthens a marriage," says marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., the study's project director and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.

Still not ready to give up your wandering eye? See if any of these excuses sound familiar...

But... I'm just thinking about meeting someone new. I'm not acting on it, so I'm not hurting anyone. That's a slippery slope, says psychotherapist Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., author of The 7 Stages of Marriage. "If you're having those thoughts on regular basis, you're creating more vulnerability for yourself to be tempted -- and you're going to be in trouble sooner rather than later."

No More BUTS: Get On Your Partner's Team

by Mary Jo DiLonardo for Upwave.com 
 
I have friends, a married couple, who desperately love to compete. When they play Scrabble, it gets downright scary -- and a teeny bit vicious. They're always lunging for the dictionary, challenging each other's every word. And if one of them gets a high word score? You should see the in-your-face happy dance that ensues.

When you're in a relationship, it's a good idea to let go of the "me" and embrace the "we." That's the best way to have harmony at home, experts say. Once you stop seeing your partner as your opponent, you'll fight less -- and life will be a lot more copacetic. In fact, couples who cooperate with each other and work at solving problems together -- kind of like teammates -- are more likely to stay married, according to a recent study by UCLA researchers.

Do you feel like you're constantly on the defensive when you interact with your partner, desperate to stand your ground, exert your will and "win" -- whatever the topic? See if these excuses sound familiar...

But... I'm right and my partner's wrong.

An Exciting Opportunity to Share

With the New Year already here we pause to look back, appreciating the good things that happened and wanting to change the things that make us unhappy and unfulfilled.  Then we look forward, setting goals and hoping with optimism for the best.

Each new year holds an exciting opportunity to change the things we don’t like to the things we do like. It’s like a blank canvas for a new beginning to improve on what already is great or make the changes you know in your heart that will provide you with better health, more happiness and feelings of accomplishment.

For myself, I have recommitted to practicing more mindfulness in the present moment.  I no longer want to look back and live in the past or forward and live in the future.  I want to live right now, right this minute and be present for what already is. It is a struggle, but I am committed.  So wish me luck!

The following is a poem I became fond of and want to share with you.

Until one is committed

There is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back

Always ineffectiveness.

Relationship Danger Signs and What To Do About It

Hi Everyone!  First, I want to wish everyone a "Happy Holiday".  And second, I want to help you avoid the pitfalls of relationship disaster.  It's no secret, the stress of the holidays can damage your marriage.  Instead of enjoying each other and your family, you find yourselves having more arguments and feeling overwhelmed due to expectations.

Here are some of the danger signs to watch out for under the stress of needing to do and spend money on all that is expected of you for this time of year.

• Becoming irritable with everyone and everything

• Avoiding your partner

• Yelling at one another over small incidents

• Becoming defensive - And not listening with your 'third' ear

• Feeling sad or depressed

• Drinking more than usual

What You Can Do About It

5 Love Languages

Remember a time when you felt 'really loved'.  What was happening at that moment? Who was there for you?  What did they say to you or do for you that ignited your love feeling?

         

Now remember when you first met your partner.  How did they make you feel ... loved?  What did they do or say to you that made you feel safe, important, and cared for?

Now think about your partner.  When was the last time you think you made them feel loved?  What did you say or do for them?

When we find our partner's love language we then know exactly how to connect or re-connect with them and help them feel loved.

5 Ways people may feel loved: 

• Words of Affirmation 
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Quality Time Spent Together
• Physical Touch  

One or more items above may be your partner's love language.  Your mission is to uncover what it is that makes them feel loved.  One key note is, often your partner may not really know this themselves.  However, don’t give up…together enjoy the journey! 

Check in with me and let me know how you made out.

“The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” is a book by Gary Chapman.

Another Shade of Gray: Gray Divorces

This ‘shade of gray’ isn’t very inspiring! A recent study announced that “Older adults (aged 50 and over), unlike the U .S. population as a whole, have faced rising divorce rates over the past 20 years.” In fact, the study suggested that rates were doubling over the decades. In 1990 fewer than 10% of those aged 50 & older got divorced; today 25% of those in this age group get divorced. This is a very significant issue because more than half the married population is now over 50.

The divorce rate is a matter that I have written about before in my Update. Why such a focus? Because I believe that with knowledge and tools, people can make conscious decisions about their marriages rather than waking up one day and saying “I have had enough!”. Maintaining intimacy and friendship in marriage over time IS possible – if you know how to work it.  

If you are in a struggling relationship and are in the Gray group (even though you may not look it), you may be wondering whether you should start focusing and preparing for the financial and emotional impact of separation and divorce. As complicated as family break up is when there are young children and teens in the home, divorce is still quite complicated as you get older. There will now be less time left for you to financially and emotionally recover and you may even be less flexible and able to do so. 

Unfortunately, re-marriage divorce rates are 2.5 times higher than those of first marriages. Not because there isn’t enough love between people but because life is more complicated even with grown children. Adding grandchildren, financial planning, and other challenges into a brand new relationship wears away at the fragile bond of new love. 

10 Steps to 'Loving for a Lifetime'

Love is a word that describes a complex human emotion. In my work, I hear time and time again, “I’m just not sure I am in love with him/her anymore”.  What does it mean when someone expreses his or her uncertainty?

I believe love is multi-dimensional, and very confusing. Everyday in my work I help people sort out what they mean when they say they love someone. Love is not just one experience. Love includes excitement and passion and love includes enjoyment and comfort. Love is about connection. Love is about commitment.

Romantic love, which is a special combination of physical attraction, powerful brain chemistry and emotional connection, is not all there is to love but when you fall in love, it is forever. This is where it gets confusing. How often have you heard that romantic love, also called passionate love, doesn’t last? However, the memory of falling in love is saved in your emotional brain’s memory bank. The memories you created as a couple are also there.

For me, the question isn’t whether love does or doesn’t last a lifetime.  The question is how do you preserve, protect, and keep romantic love alive for a lifetime. It is possible.

Reconsidering the Divorce Rate

I am often asked what I think about the divorce rate. Followed by the question, what do I think of the ‘fact’ that people don’t want to get married anymore? So, I decided to address these questions and share my point of view in this newsletter.

There is a pretty wide spread belief that the divorce rate in the US is about 50%, right? A number of demographers (scientists), however, believe that the rate is closer to 40%, maybe, if you study the statistics about first marriages in particular. 

To keep it simple, here is how the 50% divorce rate comes about:  the number all marriages per year determines the ‘marriage rate’.  The number of all divorces per year determines the ‘divorce rate’.   While these are not the same couples getting married and divorced in that year the ratio of the number of divorces to the number of marriages provides the ‘divorce rate’ for that year.  More simply, 100 marriages, 50 divorces = 50% divorce rate.

Simple, yes?  But not really.