No More BUTS: Get On Your Partner's Team

by Mary Jo DiLonardo for Upwave.com 
 
I have friends, a married couple, who desperately love to compete. When they play Scrabble, it gets downright scary -- and a teeny bit vicious. They're always lunging for the dictionary, challenging each other's every word. And if one of them gets a high word score? You should see the in-your-face happy dance that ensues.

When you're in a relationship, it's a good idea to let go of the "me" and embrace the "we." That's the best way to have harmony at home, experts say. Once you stop seeing your partner as your opponent, you'll fight less -- and life will be a lot more copacetic. In fact, couples who cooperate with each other and work at solving problems together -- kind of like teammates -- are more likely to stay married, according to a recent study by UCLA researchers.

Do you feel like you're constantly on the defensive when you interact with your partner, desperate to stand your ground, exert your will and "win" -- whatever the topic? See if these excuses sound familiar...

But... I'm right and my partner's wrong.
There's always more than one point of view on a problem or a situation, says marriage and family therapist Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., author of The 7 Stages of Marriage. In other words, you and your partner are each entitled to your own opinion. "[It] doesn't make either of you wrong," says DeMaria. "The question is, how do you come to a more shared perspective?" Take turns talking, so you can air both sides.

But... I'll lose who I am as a person if I cave to my partner. Pshaw. You'll actually become stronger, says Thomas Bradbury, Ph.D., codirector of UCLA's Relationship Institute and the author of Love Me Slender: How Smart Couples Team Up to Lose Weight, Exercise More and Stay Healthy Together. "Who you are isn’t going to change [if you compromise]," Bradbury says. "You'll just be able to participate in a relationship in a different way."

But... if I give in, I'll never get what I want. Have you tried having a grown-up conversation about what you want, instead of pouting about it -- or getting defensive? Having an "I want what I want when I want it," attitude isn't exactly relationship-enhancing. "It takes a level of emotional maturity to communicate clearly about what we want," Bradbury observes. Give it a try!

But... I hate to give in. We hear you. But it's time to -- how can we put this gently? -- get over it. "The give and take is part of being an adult," says Bradbury. "It can't be take, take, take all the time. That's an understandable reaction, but in a complex world it's not one that's going to hold up well in the long haul." So: Don't fight just for the sake of winning.

But... it's fun to compete! Then take up tennis. Or rock climbing. Or ping-pong. Or play Monopoly. In other words, find an activity that allows you and your partner to have some healthy competition once in a while (just not all the time). "Find a way to turn competition into a fun, playful empowering activity," suggests DeMaria.

When you and your partner team up -- for Scrabble or for life -- you'll find you can be unstoppable. "Peyton Manning seems to be doing OK," Bradbury points out. "Even though he's part of a team, he's his own man."